Measuring Myself--Reflections For My Next Year of Life.....

As I prepare to begin a new year of my life, I always tend to feel a little discouraged. I tend to start back-tracking, reliving all the things I didn’t do or that I didn’t do well or that caused me to fall or fail over the past year of my life. And in reality, this year, while I may not have accomplished all I wanted to do, I am so proud of myself for the goals I did achieve; finishing my degree, creating my blog and actually having followers, writing more published articles (even if some of them were anonymously written), completing over half of this novel and removing a few cancers (negative people) from my life.  I have surpassed all I expected to do but yet and still, there is something missing.

Being able to share my life with someone. I have learned so much about myself this year. My most important lesson learned is that I will NEVER have someone in my life who appreciates and loves me until I appreciate and love myself MORE than anyone else. It’s not that I see myself as this horrible person, because in no way do I believe that. But for some reason, I haven’t found myself worthy of receiving the love I deserve and continuously placing myself in situations knowing good and well that I won’t receive it. I am tired of disappointing myself. I am tired of choosing less because I am afraid of more. I am tired of allowing myself to accept less than what I truly want and that is love and acceptance and appreciation. As I reflected even more, I recognize now that these three details are what I need to find within myself as well.

Love. I think that every relationship I have been in since my divorce many years ago, I have loved so much more than someone has loved me. I have accepted bullshit, I have allowed bullshit and yet and still, I loved.  I want a love that isn’t scared to just be. I want a love that is strong and in spite of fights and disagreements, there is no disrespect, there is no abuse, there is no harsh word left ringing in my ears years down the road.  I want to be able to look into a man’s eyes and see love there. Yes, I will drive him crazy, but yet and still, there is love.  As far as loving myself, that is easy. But I have not learned to love myself enough to walk away from people or situations fast enough where I am not hurt.  I see danger signs miles away, and yet, I stay. I need to learn to follow my intuition. I need to love me more.

Acceptance.  I am not the most beautifullest thing in the world, I can admit to that, but I damn sure am not meant to be kept in a box either. I am a grown ass woman. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to have secrets. I don’t want to have to hide ANYTHING about ANYONE I like, date, screw, whatever. That doesn’t mean I need to share every little detail with the world, but I do want a man who actually believes I am a part of his world…and isn’t afraid to express that with anyone. I want a man who is proud to have me anywhere in his presence, because I am a damn good, woman, inside and out. He doesn’t have to put me on a pedestal, but he has to hold my hand and have me at his side because he sees me as a woman he is proud to have in his life.  Acceptance within myself has definitely grown this year and it has been such a struggle with me, but I am getting better at it every day. I am proud to be able to see my negative qualities and to work on them as well as recognize and shine brighter because of my positive traits. I have accepted every situation in my life.

Appreciation. Sigh. Appreciation comes in so many ways and has a lot to do with acceptance, I’m starting to believe. I’ve allowed myself to be in situations where acceptance wasn’t required and I believe that allows someone to step all over you.  Anyone who knows me knows I am a giver. I love to see people happy. I love to see people enjoying themselves and I am willing to do damn near anything to make that happen, especially when it’s someone I love. Appreciation is simple. I would never expect someone to even think about half the things I do. But thank you’s, hugs, kisses, notes, words, smiles, all that…. are such simple signs of appreciation. I always say this, but one of the best men I ever dated happened to be homeless for a while.  Those simple gestures, grabbing flowers from someone’s back yard or writing me notes and leaving them for me, are some of my most fond memories of past relationships. Appreciation of being a woman who loves so hard. There is also the appreciation of just being a woman. We boost male egos all day. It’s a requirement, because men love to have their penises stroked. Well, women want their backsides stroked as well. We need compliments, We need to feel as if men desire us, we need to feel as if what we have on is beautiful to men. We want to smile by words that men share. All of that is appreciation. When I am being appreciated, I need to be open to accepting it. I need to learn to not give any other response back, except, “You’re welcome.” I am good for down playing any appreciation I may get and then getting upset about it afterwards. I have been told many times to accept someone telling me I am beautiful, or I did cook well or I am a good woman, without downplaying it or counteracting the words with something negative about myself.

I am checking myself, because I know exactly what I want. I’ve known for a while now. I have accomplished so many tasks this year that I put my mind to, and this will go on my resolution for this near year of life for me. I will not accept less than what I want. I will allow myself to feel worthy of what I want, because what I want isn’t far fetched. It is capable of having and it really shouldn’t be that hard for a man to give. And if it is a man who can’t give it, then I need to admit to myself that he is not the man for me—and walk away.  I will love me first. I will love him if he is worthy. If he is capable of loving me back. I will allow myself to open up to be worthy of the love that will be coming to me.

I will receive love. I will receive acceptance. I will receive appreciation. Because I will be love. I will be acceptance. I will be appreciation.

Love & Light Beautiful People