Stuck in Healing

I feel as if I’ve been stuck because I haven’t expressed myself. Because I haven’t shared my heart; my thoughts; my anger; my hurt; my disappointment; my growth.

My Closure. 

I feel as if I haven’t been able to create because my heart has been on ice. I have never in my life said it and I am horrified that I am actually saying it now for the first time and hopefully the last, but I became THAT black woman. That black woman who is bitter; angry; mad at every man in the world over the bullshit of one man. I became that woman who turns a cold heart on everyone, because she’s been hurt over love…infatuation…passion…friendship… I became disheartened with people; with their words because so many say so much and mean so little of it. I became that woman who doesn’t trust; because the one person she thought she could trust through any and everything showed her that words from some lips sound beautiful to the ear but are pointless when it really counts because they don’t mean it. I became that black woman who believes that men ain’t shit because he wasn’t shit. I hurt for a lost friendship; fuck a lost love. I am tired of believing that a friend is truly a friend all while betraying, lying, and hurting is taking place on the downlow….for fun, for a notch on a fucking belt, for the benefits, for the presence of my phenomenal energy. I became that black woman who was done.

I am healing. I have never felt like this. Never experienced the emotions I continuously go through each and every day. The last couple years of so-called friendships from people I would have done anything in the world for have reached levels of hurt and betrayal and broken trust and lies that I would’ve never imagined in my lifetime. But I’ve grown from it. I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned not to welcome everyone into my world because too many don’t deserve to be a part of it and I have wasted my heart, time, energy and life on people who have never even invited me into their homes; never taken a photo with me, never shed a tear over the tears I’ve shed, but instead shared laughs over my pain. I’ve learned that I honor and love and support my friendships in a way most people don’t even know how to nowadays. I’ve learned that my heart doesn’t heal as fast as it used to.  I’ve learned I am strong and no one will weaken me like that again. I’ve learned that my heart deserves to be cherished by someone with a heart; by people with genuine hearts; not portrayals. And I’m still learning as I shift from sadness to anger to hurt to happiness and start all over again.

In the end, life goes on. My tears will cease because I know his never began. My heart will heal because theirs were never broken. My trust will return because everyone doesn’t lie.  And when the time is right, I will give the right person a chance in my life, because there is someone out there who wants more than good pussy. He wants a good woman. He just hasn’t found me yet.