Maintaining My Sanity

One of my friends who does readings told me one day, "You need sex in your life to balance you out. It is something that you require to help your anxiety,  keep you thinking clear,  just your whole well being.  You have to let off that steam for you to maintain or else you will start feeling as if you're losing it." 

I've come to believe that to be true.  I see the changes I go through when I'm sexually frustrated.  I see my confusion.  My depression.  My frustration and anger with everyone when I can't get a regular nut.  Let me correct myself.  A regular good nut.  

Just an orgasm isn't enough.  For me,  I need to have the connection.  It has to be reciprocal where I'm being refilled and fulfilled and not drained and he's feeling the same way.  I need it to feel good.  It can be a fuck.  It can be hours long.  But the connection is what creates the calm in me.  The orgasm from the connection brings the balance.  

I experienced this again recently.  I've been extremely uptight lately.  Frustrated at work,  running with my dog more trying to let off steam,   snapping back at people way faster than normal, battling upcoming birthday blues,  loneliness during Covid; wanting to feel a connection with someone at the same time as wanting my back broke out. Acting like an emotional lunatic,  I was reaching out to my "connected dick" to let him know it was "That Time." It took weeks and between the bitching of canceled appointments or just no time,  my frustrations were increasing.  Trying to masturbate daily wasn't working.  Writing erotica wasn't working. There was no one for sexting. I needed to connect.  

He came by earlier in the week.  We hung out. Talked. Drank.  Smoked.  Connected in that sense but unable to complete due to teenagers in the house (damn Covid!l). As he was leaving and walking down my driveway to his car,  we paused and I gave him head standing between cars, as if my hunger was too strong to ignore.  I needed to touch.  I needed the connection.  Even his release down my throat sufficed the urge and craving for a few days.  It helped with my nerves for only a moment.  But I needed more.  It was my turn. I was built up and it had been too much time.  

Today he came back.  We were clear on the purpose.  Little socializing was needed.  Not much time was given. I needed to cum.  Period.  Point blank.  I needed to release.  Breathe.  Exhale.  Manifest with the full moon.  Let go of all the bushit over the past few weeks and recharge myself all in the few moments of his dick deep stroking my pussy to multiple climaxes. I needed his hands on my body.  His intuitive knowing of what I like and what I need in that moment. Or just knowing to shut me up with his dick in my mouth.  I got my release.  Finally.  I can see clearly now,  the haze is gone.  My heart beat has slowed. The stress vein in the center of my forehead has disappeared for the moment.  My pussy is no longer throbbing and my anxiety has eased up.  

My problem is I'm in no way getting this sexual need fulfilled as much as I know I need to maintain a clear head.   I don't have many connections whom I have the desire to be with sexually  and the one(s) I have seems to have a line I need to pencil myself in.  So how do I maintain? How do I control all the built up tension without the one thing I need to keep a clear head? While living in a socially distanced world of Covid-19? So now, my top love language,  touch,  is minimized to those I'm in regular contact with,  which takes me back to the long line.  I can't travel.  No one is traveling to me and even then,  would I be comfortable? So now,  not enough sex,  no outlet for  sex,  no outlet for intimacy even,  Covid,  stuck in the house,  holidays, birthday,  cold weather, e.t.c., e.t.c. 

Pray I don't lose my sanity. What little there is left.