Love. And Pain. And Growth.

I’ve come to a point in my life where there are so many changes, so much growth and yet and still, so much healing.

I have spent a lot of time alone; not necessarily saying it’s a bad thing, because it isn’t at all. I’ve written more, I’ve taken the time to spoil myself, I’ve relaxed, I’ve cried and I’ve learned to hang out alone and actually enjoyed being by myself. I am pretty amazing all alone and I have come to the point where I am very comfortable doing things alone because I am very comfortable with who I am as a person; as an individual. As an original.

But in that time alone, I’ve learned more about friendships; the genuine ones versus the fake and as the fake fall to the sides, the true handful remain. And with that, I find peace. Peace to the ones who can’t handle me saying no and the ones who aren’t genuine and the ones who are only takers.

As the friends have now filtered out, there is more loneliness in my world now though. I am not interested in spending a lot of time around negativity, around a lot of partying, or just bullshitting. I want connections. I want conversations. I want touch. I want to explore new things and venture outside of the box. Yes, I’ll do a happy hour, but can we try some place different? Some place outside of our comfort zones? I want to grow! I want to live! And to find people who want to live versus those who want to just follow the pack is very challenging nowadays. I am very lost in this world lately; unable to fit in with too many people and while I’m ok, again, it gets lonely. But when I find the few random people who I do connect with in the most bizarre ways, I am grateful and thankful for the handful of weirdoes who are on this journey of life with me.

During this time, I am also trying to take back over my heart. I have given my heart to too many people and it keeps coming back to me in pieces, so now, my heart is mine again. The men who have been the closest to me for a while, have all dispersed. It is interesting to me how some men want to be territorial when they have no intimate relationship with me whatsoever; no sex but they want to be in control. Meanwhile, the one who has my heart and whom I’m willing to submit to doesn’t want to be bothered as a lover or as a friend. So, again, I will hold on to my heart because I’ve shared it with too many who only want pieces of it, only want to use it, only want it for their benefit or don’t want it at all. I hold myself accountable for the hurt in my heart right now. No one else. But then, I have to be the one to protect it as well. No one else.

I believe with growth comes loneliness at times. I believe that you can’t go through one without the other. I believe with growth comes realization and separation. As I learn to stand up more for myself while holding the people in my life accountable as well, I learn who is with me and who is not. I learn who loves me and who just wants to be a part of my world. My tears and my pen have become my closest comrades right now. My heart is trying to heal and it is struggling. I am trying to heal and it is a struggle. But I am learning and growing in the process and with that, I am grateful.