Random Thoughts....

I’ve been going through this a lot lately…. Going back and forth between what is right and what is right for the moment. Determining what it is I want in my life in the immediate and what it is I want in my life for the long haul. They are tough decision to make and I began wondering if other people have these same questions going on in their heads?

I battle a lot between my beliefs and my wants. They stay on my mind constantly because while there are many things I may want to do or things I may even do now, there are moments when I sit down and say to myself, “Ok, this has to change because it is just wrong.”  Yes, some say, only we can determine what is right or wrong or doing what we want is not wrong, but for someone who was brought up the way I was, whether it was instilled by someone else or whether it has become my own beliefs, some things are just not ok.

 

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve allowed myself to enjoy so much more of my life. As I’ve become single, I’ve allowed myself to be so much more in tune with what I want and with what I need in my life; what makes me happy, what hurts me, what doesn’t feel right and what feels absolutely amazing. At 40+ years of age, I feel as if I have finally become an adult because it’s not about what others say about me. It’s not about what others want to believe about me. It’s about how I see myself and how I treat other people who are any part of my life.

It’s such a liberating feeling to finally let go of what others want and focus on what I want. But now comes the harder battle of determining what it is I want versus what it is that’s right. Because while it may be exciting and filled with pleasure for the moment, what will the lasting effects be? What will my mind think about the next day or the next week? Will it weigh heavy on my heart or will I still feel fulfilled?

I believe in God. I believe in Right vs. Wrong. I believe in Honesty.  I also believe in being myself. Being open to possibilities. Being in the moment.

While people may think it is easy to balance those two sides out, it’s really not at all. It is hard as hell…. At least for me, it is. But I’m not giving up. Eventually, I’m going to figure it out and I will have everything I need.

Someone told me the other day, I had no identity. I laughed at the thought of that, and realized… maybe my identity does evolve. That’s not a bad thing, because I’m still trying to figure myself out…. And I will continue to change and grow hopefully, till the day I die… But the core of me—my heart and my soul—are intact and completely perfect.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Abundant Blessings to you.