I Wonder... Random Thoughts while Intoxicated.

I wonder if I really want to settle down. I talk about being married and living this happily ever after life, but every now and then, I wonder… do I really want that? Will I be happy choosing one person again, in hopes that this time, it will all work out perfectly?

This past year, I have learned so much about what I can handle and what I can’t handle. I’ve learned about so many different lifestyles, that my head was spinning and I began to think everyone was insane except for me. I saw a side of myself that surprisingly opened up to so many challenges and helped me realize a lot of things about myself.

For me to be married again, I would have to have such a strong adoration for that person. This point in my life, I have to feel some kinda special way to not get bored, not get tired and fed up and not cheat. I have to believe in him and trust him and know that he feels the same way. I never cheated on my ex husband. In fact, I never even thought about it. Despite his crazy and abusive ways, I adored him. I would’ve done anything in the world for him. And I knew by his words and his actions, that he would do anything in the world for me as well.

I wonder if I will ever trust a man like that again. Could I see myself picking up my life TWO times to follow a man across the country? Could I see myself accepting a bunch of baby mamas? Could I see myself giving up everything I have for a hope and a wish? I don’t think my heart would allow it again. I will never say never, but it is hard enough to find a man who is sane, let alone one who I would hand my life over to protect and guide. I pray I have that feeling again.

I wonder if my past has so much to do with how I relate now. Between the divorce of my parents and my father moving away and growing up in a single parent home (even though my father was close by for most of it and always a part of my life), having a child early, abuse, rape, a failed marriage and all the other bad relationship stories, maybe I’ve finally just become like so many other women. Bitter.

I hate that word. Women aren’t bitter. We’re tired. Tired of pouring our hearts out to men and a lot of times, getting hurt. Yea Yea, I know men are tired too. But we have really put our hearts on the line over and over and over again. Not too many men will put their hearts on the line more than once. We are slow learners on that.

I wonder if I will ever fall in love with someone who will be in total love with me? I am so tired of taking the challenging road and fighting for what I want. I want someone to fight for me. Someone who looks out for me. That protection thing is so huge for me. I wonder why. I need to feel protected and safe. That is the most fulfilling feeling to me. I think because I have been hurt in my past, physically and mentally.

I wonder if marriage is really not what I want. I do want someone amazing in my life, someone to grow with and love unconditionally and be open and honest with. But marriage isn’t a requirement anymore. Love is. Respect is. Honesty is.

I wonder when I will get a kiss. It has been so long since I’ve had a kiss. I miss the soft touch of someone’s lips on mine. It’s so crazy to me that people don’t kiss and hug every day. These should be standard in everyone’s life, including mine.

I sometimes wonder if there is a side of me that is afraid of being in a real committed relationship again. Maybe that’s why, in spite of me saying I want marriage, I faithfully choose to date people who have no interest in it. Is that my safety blanket because of my own fears? I have people in my life who would love to be with me and settle down and become a happy family, but I shy away from them. Why? Maybe because I’m unsure if I am ready to change my life so drastically. Maybe I’m not ready to become Sally Homemaker, now that I have one child out of the house and one halfway there. Maybe because I feel as if I have so much more I want to do with my life and I’m afraid that marrying the wrong person will stop me from living it. I know of course, that with the right person, I could go over and beyond and above my wildest dreams. But it terrifies me that I will make the same mistake I made the first time I got married and choose love over sanity.

I enjoy where I am right now. Spending time with family, friends, and lovers without having time restraints, orders to follow, expectations to uphold. I know my heart and mind waiver back and forth with this, because you fall in love with people and shit changes. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be with one person. Maybe I was meant to be poly….or open…. Or just like a rolling stone, dropping a ray of sunshine and hope on someone and moving on to the next.

Nawwww….. I have way too much love to give and shower and bestow upon one lucky man. My love isn’t for everyone. It’s special It’s unique. It’s unlike most have ever seen.

I wonder if anyone will ever recognize that.

Blessings.