Becoming Me....

 

 

So many things on my mind tonite, so again, just jotting them down and sharing them. I went out with an ex tonite and while hanging out as friends, I began to think….. why am I single, hanging out with an ex, who I am not going to be with again, instead of out meeting someone else who I can actually share my life with…. Someone who I can spend time with and connect with and have sex with and build a relationship with? Sometimes it’s so much easier to be with someone we are comfortable with than actually branching out and trying something new, but it is necessary in life. While I am thankful for being able to say I am friends with every man I have ever dated, I also need to understand they were in my life for a season and it’s time for me to move on. I can love them. I can hang out with them. But I cannot go back to them in hopes of something more than that.

Being single is not something I honestly enjoy, because I believe a major part of me is on this earth to actually be a wife. To be able to build a home and a family. I remember my father coming to visit me once while I was married. He sat watching me during those days as I took care of my daughter and my husband; cooking the meals, cleaning the house, washing the clothes. He watched as we sat at a table together and shared our highs and lows of the day. He watched my ex and I laugh and watched how happy my daughter was. Before he left, he said to me, “I think this is the happiest I have ever seen you. I think you were meant to be a housewife because you enjoy so much taking care of your husband and your family. “ He didn’t have to tell me those words, because I already knew them. It was like a dream come true for me and I have been wanting that dream to become reality for me again, but I’m learning that I can’t rush it.

This round of single life has allowed me to sit back and really figure out what it is I want in a man now and what I will accept and will not accept. It has allowed me to spend more time with my kids and more time sitting at my computer writing. It has allowed me to grow on my own. And for the first time of the many times I have been single, I am enjoying it. Yes, it gets lonely at times. Yes, it gets boring at times. But during those times more and more, I grab a book, I write out my thoughts, I cook, I harass my kids, I hang with friends, I enjoy my time.

Being single isn’t the end of the world. In fact, it’s the beginning of a new world if you use your time properly, because you can grow so much when you are alone.

I am happy tonite. I am at peace. I am feeling young and vivacious and beautiful and it’s not because a man told me, but because I feel it from within. I don’t know how long this feeling will last… in fact, it may be gone before I open my eyes in the morning… but right now….. at this moment…. The world is alright and so am I. I’ve allowed so many people to change my moods and change my feelings and change my energy for so long and I feel as if it’s all slowly being regained within me and it’s an exciting feeling. It’s a powerful feeling. All the extra bullshit is falling to the side.  All the negative energy is falling to the side.

Maybe my new waistbeads are working….

I’m becoming ME.

Peace & Love & Light