Scared to Love...but Ready
I was telling a friend this morning that I feel as if I have so many things to talk about but I don’t know what to say sometimes on my blog. He responded by saying, “You do have plenty to talk about, but I feel what you really want to share, scares you and may not feel pretty for others to see.” He is right on point. But I’m going to start trying to share my thoughts, even though they may scare me….
I’m caught up in this whirlwind of emotions right now. Trying to determine what is right for my life and what is wrong. What is beneficial and what is a waste of time. What is genuine and what is fake. I’m torn between what I want and what I need. What I enjoy and what I dream for. What will last and what is amazing in the moment.
The past few days have been extremely tiring for me. I have cried my eyes out and fallen into a slight depression because I am constantly battling with my feelings and the energies surrounding me. I am battling within myself because I am resisting what I need to do to grow. I am resisting what I need to do to allow love into my life because in the end, that is what I want more than anything. Not that kinda love that is there one minute and gone the next. Not the kinda love that is based on what I do or what I give or who I am. Not that kinda love that is shared between a million people. Not that kinda love that is only by words with no actions to follow.
I want that good love that makes me smile and I can still feel when I’m alone. I want that good love that gives me security, comfort, and peace. I want that good love that is special and significant and genuine to what we share together. I want that good love that is unconditional, that doesn’t change with our moods or the moon. I want that good love that speaks volumes when silent. I want that good love that is honest, accountable and willing to sacrifice and compromise for me. Because that's the kinda love I'm willing and ready to give.
Love is to be shared. Freely shared at that, but the love I want is different from the love that is shared with all. I love my neighbor, yes. But the love for my neighbor is not the love I want with a man. The love I want with a man is not the love I want with every man that comes into my presence.
*sigh*
I love so easily. My problem is I love people who are unable to give me what I want in return. Of course it's not a problem that I love them, because love is never wrong. But sometimes we have to love someone from a distance so the love we are looking for can reach us and enter into our lives and take us to a higher level.
There are moments when I feel that kinda love that I want. There are moments when I can close my eyes and feel that presence of love. But then reality kicks in and I realize that’s not what it is. Tears are welling up in my eyes because while I know what it is I am starving for, I’m still sipping on the drops I am getting to just quench my thirst.
There is a fountain of love overflowing for me. I just have to stop tippy toeing around it and dive right in.
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