Love, Confused

Can you accept how people may love you? Even if it’s not the way you are used to being loved?

I started thinking this morning about my relationships. About the different ways I have felt loved in them. I know people have different ways of showing their love, but shouldn’t there be some basics? Yes, being able to say it should be a start, although that can be difficult for many. But by their actions, I would know if they loved me right? What if their actions waiver? What if they are not constant? What then? Does love change as often as actions may? 

There are moments when I have felt love just by the way they looked at me. Just by the intensity in their eyes or the look as if they were saying it through words. There are moments when I have felt love by the touch of a hand on mine, by the touch of a hand on my body, or a leg touching my leg in bed, letting me know they are close. There are moments when I have felt love even by a text message, whether it be a corny joke reminding me of something funny that took place, or by something sentimental and special. There are moments when I have felt special, just by a comment on a photo on Facebook, or a comment left on my page. It acknowledges me. As simple or ridiculous as it may sound, it made a difference. 

My ex could never say the words that he loved me. I will probably never know if he did. But he did let me know he cared by simple things every now and then. I knew those simple things were hard for him and that alone let me know I was significant in his life. I will never forget when I felt as if he felt the most proud to be with me. It was one of our first dates and we had gone to a concert where he knew the artist and other people. I met him at the Hotel Lobby bar and he was sitting with his boys. He introduced me. One of the guys looked me up and down, and said, “Yo, that’s you?” He just smiled and nodded his head. He held my hand all nite long. I don’t think I will ever forget that moment. 

Now, I sometimes struggle with what is real and what is not. What is genuine and what is not. I love that feeling of knowing completely, all the way through my heart and soul, that I am loved. That I am desired. That I am appreciated. That feeling of being proud to have me in their life. And yes, I have many moments of feeling special. There are moments when I know without a doubt. But should I be content with the moments and not the lasting feeling? Should I be content with knowing while I may be loved, there are others who are loved as well and it’s not a “just me” thing? Should I come to terms with how one may love me, one may love someone else as well but in a different way? Or even in the same way? It is a challenge. I miss that feeling of knowing whether my presence is near or far, nothing has changed. Love hasn’t been taken away, hasn’t switched people, or hasn’t been lost. 

When you believe someone loves you, you are willing to do anything for that love. You are willing to work, struggle and fight for that love, because you want that love to be constant. This doesn't have anything to do with trying to control the love or bribing the love. But when two people love each other, both work together to keep that love alive. If one person is the only one doing the work, can that be considered love? Love between two people should be a joint effort.

I don’t want Temporary Love. I don’t want Lost-In-The-Moment Love. I want that feeling of laughing together and sharing together and holding each other and looking at each other in the eyes all at the same time. All the time. 

But maybe that isn’t reality…. 

Or is it? 

Hugs and Kisses….because I need them too…